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mechanics of expectation

in the recent post about the celebration event i attended i spoke of myself relative to the musical performance.  since publishing the post i've been thinking about the mechancis of expectation of words i find myself encountering.

in the post i swerve around the word musician.  i swerve it as it conjurs up an expectation - in me at least.  i can;t say for sure where this comes from although i could make an informed guess of historical influence from an early age.

so exploring my expecation of the word musician i find that the range is small - at least i thnk it is.  

is it the word i struggle with or the meaning of it ?  potentially my expectation of it is being influenced by my ability to process what the word is and means.  

i might be slow to attach the word musician to myself because this presents a state for someone to test me on.  this is now getting closer to the source of what it is.

i feel i need to protect myself from those who would look to challenge my position.  another way of loking at this is i'd rather keep something open and vague so it's less likely to be picked apart.

here is something for me to explore.

maybe it's ok to be someone who picks up an instrument and joins in as best he can.  actually i've proved to myself it is - i've done it twice now, both in a public situation.

i needed to explore all this while it was fresh in my mind as my earlier post had set up questions in myself i needed to answer.

what have i learnt ?  that there's something in myself that causes confusion and tension when connected to doing new things relative to a wider group.  its historic.  i don;t know how to undo it or work around it.  

time.  i need time and to write about it.