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off loading week 1

i need to off load from week one of my category c course.  after a conversation with my partner this morning i have been made aware that since returning from my course on thursday my mood has been worse than before the course.  so what's happened ?

i'm on a course that if i had known prior to signing up what it was i wouldn't have signed up for it.

what's the course ?  its a well being through music course.  

what did i sign up for ? confidence building for men.

 

i have a lot to unpack and i'm aware that my experience could be taken as a criticism.  this is not the intention.  my intention is to try to gain an understanding of why i feel so low and hopefully park it here, a big ask i know.

firstly i need to contextulaise my mood during the hours before i went to the course.  it's february so my mood is low anyway because of a self diagnosed vitamin d deficiency.  secondly i'd listened to an interview recomended by my partner by a practioner in a career that i have left behind.  thirdly the course had been delayed by a month and almost cancelled due to lack of uptake, this had had a negative impact on how i viewed the course and felft about it.

i tried to leave all this at the door when i walked in.  i was told the course would begin 15 minutes later than the time confirmed in the morning phone call.     there was quite an uncomfortable 15 minutes prior to everything beginning.    

when in a low state, these small seemingly unimportant detail deviations have a huge impact.

what do i need from a course intended to be for my well being ?  i need a space in which i can break away from formal learning outcomes and play with informal experimentation,  this applies even more so when the objects to play with are ones desgned to make music with.

deep inside i yearn a safe space to run around, make non considered din and let my inner playful self out to release all the inner tension that being an adult sets up.  i lack the confidence to do this because when i have done in the past i've been immediately shut down.  on thursday my reaction to  the environment  was to shut myself down before someone else did that to me.

and there's the benefit of reflecting about my experience, i'd not realised or admitted that to myself prior to arriving at writing it.

so why did i shut myself down ?  the answer is complex.  the simple answer is that i did because that's how i felt at the tme.  as the formalisation of the evening was rolled out my willingness to open up became less.  the formal ness of "this is how you do it",   "this is what you do"rallied my dsylexia.

i don't see there being anyone at fault here, this is simply my experience.

will i go back for week 2?  i don;t know the answer to that question right now.  i'm still unpacking week 1.

i stare out the window and consider stuff ...

what my needs are are opposite to what the experience was on thursday.  paradoxically i needed thursday to connect to what my needs are.  in this moment i feel that if i really attempt to connect to my needs i run the risk of becoming the "trouble maker" as i rail against what the formally prescribed nature of the lesson.

i now feel a little less tense inside, writing this all has helped me.  i have to wait to see what sort of mood i'm in on thursday as to wether i go again and wether i feel confident enough to really be myself to increase my well being.

 

Comments

Hello Andrew

Thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts and very poweful reflections. It is not always easy to manage a swell of thoughts and emotions but you have written things in such a way as to really assist that process. I will follow this up with you.

Alicia

andrew martyn sugars's picture

hi alicia

thank you for the opportunity to talk through my experiences.  thank you for the options you made available too.

i am going to go on thursday as this will be the only way i'll know what it's like and i'm really interested to find out if the accumilation of small things really did influence how i was last week.

i'll continue to reflect upon my journey.  it might be challenging however i know from experience there are benefits to be gained by going through those challenging situations.

I look forward to seeing what your journey brings to you and how you use this experience. I can see that you are exploring your thinking.  As you rightly state there are benefits which result from reflection and I can see that process in the words you have written. Thank you for your reflections.

Alicia

Alicia