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maybe 2003--2017

this blog post is part of me working through the loss of our family dog, maybe.  

now i've sat to write something i'm a little lost for words.  for several days i've wanted to write something somewhere and i knew today this blog is the place to write this. however what do i now write ?

i have to pause to collect my thoughts and manage my feelings.

 

maybe was a collie cross with belgium sheepdog.  i met her when i got to know my partner.  maybe was so lovely and gentle that in the early stages of my relationship with my partner she helped me in getting to know my partner.

again i pause for a moment to collect my thoughts about what i want to write.  this pausing is helping me to manage the emotions raging inside me at the moment.

 

i'm aware that in trying to write this blog that i orbit closely to writing something intended to evoke something i need in you the reader.  let me explore this for a moment.

 

other than maybe my most recent loss has been that of my mother and this was in the middle of last year.  at the time of the news i didn't really understand how i felt about the news of my mum passing.   that confusion at the time left me in a limbo place and the grief was mixed with feelings of wanting to evoke a relationship.  that makes little sense now.

maybe passing has helped me to understand that i had a good relationship with her, we did things together, i did things for her and there were simple non verbal points of understanding.

the relationship with my mother had become devoid of these simple things.

when mum passed, part of my confusion was the lack of meanungful relationship with her.  this is something i was responsible for.

i've cried lots lately. in the morning, in the evening at times when i see something or heard something that evoked a memory of maybe dog.  i've understood grief more this week than before.

in my processing the grief i am starting to get a sense of the lasting happy memories of knowing maybe, having her in my life.  in the short term the needed adjustment to her not being with us is so large at times that i break down in tears.  

over time i'm noticing little progresses.  early on i couldn't look at her food bowl without bursting into tears.  i can now look at it and smile and remember her through the object.

 

i have to pause once more.

 

maybe dog :

 

maybe dog in the park looking to the left of the picture

 

maybe dog at the backdoor smiling and looking at the camera

 

 

i'm far from being able to think or talk about maybe without crying and i believe this is a stage i need to go through because i do believe i can get myself to a place where the pain and hurt is replaced with joy and pride of knowing such a wonderful dog.

 

and right now i miss her terribly.

 

maybe 2003 - 2017.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

Hi Martyn

I am so sad to read about both of your losses. This was a lot to take in when just reading so I feel for you as you are the owner of those losses. It warmed me to read how you are now connecting with the happy memories too. I hope your time in community learning helped facilitate a move to a more gentle emotional place in realtion to your greif process, if that is at al possible. Keep bloggig if it helps and taking care. As always thank you for your contribution.

Alicia