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acceptance

with a clearer mind i arrive at making another blog post.  i think the post is about acceptance and how this helps me in my everyday life.  i think it's about acceptance as i'm still writing it and accept that i don't fully know what the post will be about.

something i know i do want to write about is how i've been coping with a sitution at work.  

in june i started a part time position in a freelance capacity to cover things that needed to be covered for an organisation over the summer.  i've grown in confidence in doing the job and have applied this week for the advertised role that i've been covering.  

on friday i got quite down as tiredness from the week caught up with me at lunchtime and a i went through something i connected to accpetance.  i had to admit to myself that there is a chance i will be unsuccesful with the application.  this trying to accept triggered things for me that fed feeling emotional.

part of what i went through was in accpeting the possibility of being unsuccesful i started to think about what i might do instead - a means of covering the pain of not having a job.  the volunteering alternatives were starting to look good. i realised that my confidence being increased was helping me see the volunteering opportunities in a better light.

i think i'm gettng better at reducing the amount of time i run the 'what if' senario script.  when i do run that it usually leaves me feeling unhappy and not confident - and emotionally drained.

i've been told for years that "you shouldn't care so much."

there was a struggle within for ages.  i couldn't accept that not caring was an option because if i didn't care how would it happen ?  it's a paradox i think.  if i don't care stuff does still happen.  maybe not caring is a means to reduce the emotional attachment to something or a situation.

 

as a boy i latched onto the logic of spock as a means to justify and be ok.  at home there was no sharing of emotions, no talking, no listening about things that mattered.  it affected me a lot.  as i have become older i've learnt the hard way about how important it is to talk about things with other people.  i still have to work to accpet that this is the case even though at times it feels like i shouldn't say something.  i think i'm beginning to trust myself more and recognise those times when i need to be true to myself and how i feel.  in some twist this was always easy for me while i was working prior to 2006.  

since then i've been working at being in a better place and i am very good at derailing myself through how i talk to myself.  my self talk at times being very unsupportive.  this is becoming different now.  i'm feeling less inclined to overthink before doing what i need to do.  reflecting about it now i think when i was yonger i had high self belief and over the last 10 years that belief has been rocked.

finding out i am dsylexic.

the incident on a project that knocked my confidence over.

not regularly earning money.

not being with people to talk to and do 'work' things.

i'm getting there in terms of accepting these things.  they happened.  at the time of each i had to emotionally learn how to cope and accept.

i see at the moment how i can accept better when i'm in the moment.  letting myself be vunerable last friday helped me alot.  i felt comfortable enough with a work colleague to be open about what was happening.  this helped me to accept how i was feeling that way and it was the beginning of the process to accept that i might not get the job and actually it's ok.  there are things that would not then happen and those are the things that it would be easy to mourn.  that mourning would set up 'what if' senarios and the negative spiral would begin again.

 

as i write there are at times a fleeting thought of should i admit to all this ?  actually when i write it like that i see i've not done anything wrong. i'm simply battling a mental condition.  by sharing about it i know it helps me.    i'm fearful of someone i work with reading it and viewing me differently - negatively.

 

am i fearful of the stigma i believe exists over shaing mental health stories ?

possibly.

i don't think i need to fear this where i've being doing he covering role.  there there are many people who will listen when i need to share.  i know this from experience and in every case i have felt better because i was able to talk and be listened to.

i accept i had felt fearful and now i feel less so.

sometime soon i'll learn if i've made it to interview. from here i will continue to work and see where it leads me.